am i alive?

no it's been cold and rainy for the last two weeks.

without warmth and light my thoughts don't seem to flow very well. it's just the fragmented bits and pieces that come through.

does it have to be our past experiences that shape who we are today? is our greatest fear the fear of ourselves? is that why most of us are so reluctant to express? to create?

even my attempts at expression never seem to tell the whole picture. my 'creations' seem to only have a self-serving purpose (which is unclear even to me). it's ever made me so reluctant to share any of my art because i want you, the viewer to feel those experiences (or at least comprehend them) yet even i don't know what i'm creating. it seems everything is beyond comprehension these days (atleast for me).

if we cannot comprehend, how can we realase ourselves? it's just as bad as losing control, except you can't really feel it, it isn't something physical. it's in the subconcious (even worse). it's something even i cannot fully understand.

thus the satisfaction of this feeling of 'true release' continues to evade me. perhaps i will elaborate on this at a later time. perhaps when the need arises.

or maybe it doesn't exist, and that our creations, the creations of mankind have just been a mere facade of who we truly are? an existence so powerful even we cannot imagine, so we cage ourselves in our own creations....to protect us from ourselves, sending humanity on a path of mediocrity.

there's the irony. we create to find out more about ourselves and give us a sense release, yet it is tis knowledge, that causes fear. the fear that then drives us to just be 'normal', thus we keep to ourselves the burden.

and for some reason i can't make peace with that.

either that or i'm just wrong and this is all mumbojumbo gullshit i wrote for no reason.
which it probably is, ifso forgive me for making you read all this in the first place.

[and finally if you were wondering where my stuff went on da lately, fear not i did not remove any of it. i was just meddling with my front page, i put everything back up....]